Tired of Tinder?

Bummed out by Bumble?

Wish you could forgo the messy “getting to know you” stage of courtship, hijack someone’s free-will and simply FORCE them to love you?

You’re not alone.

People of the past felt EXACTLY the same way, but they didn’t sit around, distract themselves with cat videos on YouTube and wait for love to “find them”. No. They did something about it.

And, quite often, the things they did were…questionable. And a bit gross.

Strap in. Cuz, it’s about to get weird.

MARIGOLD MADNESS

Allegedly hailing from the Balkans, our first love charm is one of the more benign enchantments on the list.

1. Wait for the object of your affections to step on fresh earth (preferably leaving his footprints behind.)
2. Once he has buggered off, dig up the ground that lay beneath his feet
3. Place the earth in a pot and plant a marigold in it.
4. As the marigold blooms so will his affections for you.

CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK? (1 & 2)

Proving that romantic obsession and drink spiking are not modern inventions, the next two love spells are simple but stomach churning:

Offer your crush a beverage in which you have previously soaked your fingernail clippings.

OR

Offer your crush a beverage in which you have added a few drops of menstrual blood.

Moving on…

SOMETHING FOR THE FELLAS

Old-timey love magic wasn’t exclusively for the ladies. This next enchantment, supposedly hailing from Ireland, was strictly ‘men only’ and combined physical assault and death!
Tres romantique!

Snatch a lock of hair from your beloved’s head.

Thread a strand of hair through a needle.

Pass the needle through the arm/leg of a corpse.

The woman you love will now be wildly attracted to you.

I mean, obviously. Who doesn’t love a guy that can sew?

SOMETHING FOR THE GOTH GIRLS

Proving that anything men can do women also do backwards and while wearing heels, this spell was, according to author Douglas Hill, “a widespread practice in Europe and America” and also involves harnessing “the power of the dead”. AKA interfering with corpses.

Take a needle that has been stabbed into a corpse.

Cover it with dirt from an occupied grave.

Tear off a piece of cloth from a winding sheet (a burial shroud).

Wrap the needle in the cloth.

Carry the charm with you for romantic success.

And so it can be used as evidence during your trail.

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Douglas Hill, Magic and Superstition, Hamlyn Publishing Group, 1968

Wanting more dodgy love magic? Click here.