5 Historical Hacks for Predicting the Future!

Photo by Wyron A on Unsplash

Is the future looking bleak and uncertain right now?

Are you searching for clarity?

Would you like to know what’s next without spending money on tarot readers or psychic hotlines?

Then why not get medieval on your future’s ass by trying these old-timey divination methods? After all, if a bunch of people did it hundreds of years ago then it has to be okay to do now, right?

  1. AlectryomanCY
    aka bird-watching

What you’ll need:

a rooster ( a white cockrell works best)

grain

the letters of the alphabet

METHOD

Ask a question in your mind:

” Seriously, what’s next? Zombies?”
  1. Arrange the letters of the alphabet in a circle

2. Sprinkle a little grain atop each letter

3. Set the rooster down inside the circle

4. Monitor which piles of grain it eats

5. Write down the corresponding letters to spell out the answer to your question

Q-M-E-H-S-K “Okay, great. Thanks. “

ALTERNATE METHOD:

  1. Make two piles of grain: one pile for YES and one for NO.

2. Ask your yes/no question:

“Will this all be over soon?”

Whichever pile the rooster pecks first will be your answer.

If it completely ignores the two piles and eats whatever it finds on the ground read as: Maybe.

2. Gyromancy
aka going around and around in circles for an answer

What you’ll need:

the letters of the alphabet

a question

METHOD:

  1. Arrange the letters in a circle

2. Ask a question in your mind:

“When will I next feel human touch?”

3. Walk around the circle or stand in the middle of it and spin around

4. get dizzy

5. fall over

6. The letters you fall on will provide a clue, a prophetic message or an answer to your question.

“Ah, my knee!…Also, is that an I or an L?”

3. Belomancy
aka fortune telling with a deadly weapon

What you’ll need:

A bow and lots of arrows

Labels/slips of paper and string

a really big back yard

METHOD:

  1. Write words of wisdom or an oracle on the labels:
“go back in time and buy bitcoin”

2. Fix the labels to the arrows

3. Fire the arrows across your lawn or local sports field

4. Take note of which arrow travels the farthest as this is the arrow that will provide the advice you are seeking

5. Provide first aid to anyone injured during this process

4. Aleuromancy
aka “an excuse to eat bread again”

What you’ll need:

bread dough

Slips of paper with messages and oracles written on them

METHOD

  1. Roll up your messages in balls of dough.

2. Bake

3. Distribute the bread rolls amongst your family and friends (or whomever is legally allowed to inhabit the same physical space as you due to whatever lockdown regulations your country or state allows at this time.)

4. Break open the rolls to reveal both your personal oracle and the delicious freshly baked carbs inside.

5. Add butter and jam to taste.

Bon appetit!

5. EXTISPICY
aka fortune telling with guts

What you’ll need:

A “ritually pure” animal for slaughter

A Haruspex (an Ancient Roman religious official skilled at the art of divination through the examination of animal entrails)

METHOD

You know what, guys? Best leave this one alone…

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